Un día nublado en San Carlos

It's not hard to grow, when you know that you just don't know.
And i really don't. I feel like i live in different reality compared to others. I'm watching the days go by, and i don't even know what i'm doing! I don't really feel anything at all, and that makes me feel inhumane.

Today i had some kind of anxiety attack, even tough i don't feel that anxious. Everything was a big blur and suddenly i couldn't see or hear anything, and i was sure that i was dying. My whole body was giving up, i felt like vomiting my guts out and my whole body was burning under my skin. Then i just kinda passed out, and suddenly i felt fine again.
Everything happened in few minutes or less... That totally made me think that everything's not ok, even tough i thought that i was getting better every day.
And i really am!
I'm meeting new people and my relationship with my family is getting better and better, and i feel happier every day.

But i feel kinda guilty when i feel happy, like i wasn't supposed to be happy.
Like i wasn't allowed to laugh.

Things here are still pretty bad. The houses that collapsed because of the earthquake, all the people without home or food or clean water...
And people are talking about new earthquake. That they always come in twos. This country can't afford a new terremoto, it's impossible. This whole country will be destroyed if there's another one, at least the parts near Concepción (which means like the whole way from Santiago to Temuco). But IF there will be another one, and i survive from that, i will thank my god. Even tough i don't believe in anything, but if there's someone i think that he/she wouldn't make this country suffer again.

But to be honest... i'm really afraid about the rumors about the new terremoto, because aftershocks just keep getting bigger and bigger. First there were only those little ones, then there were 5,3...6,7... and the last one i think was 7,3?

There's so many questions i would love to ask. Problems that could be solved, longing that could be avoided, vaikka tiedän tarvitsevani tuota ikävää, tiedän että minun tulee kaivata heitä, ja noita öitä jolloin istuimme katolla, kun la luna llena nousi Andien takaa, ja jos olimme hiljaa pystyimme kuulemaan kun ihmiset elivät elämäänsä, sillä täällä ihmiset elävät öisin. Minä tiedän etten kestäisi tätä ilman tuota ikävää, sillä minun tulee ikävöidä jotain tunteakseni itseni ihmiseksi, enkä minä ikävöi suomea, vaikka minä tiedän että minun pitäisi.