Dame una alegria

And i really want to sleep. Just one night without aftershocks, and just one starbucks' coffee would make me happy. But now i'm only tired and annoyed.

I miss home even tough i've never felt like home... and this country feels more home to me than Finland ever, but (at least not yet) i don't feel home in San Carlos. I love this city, i really do, and people here are so lovely and nice, but everybody knows everybody and if you once forget to be careful about what you say or do, you will be screwed. So you have to be really careful all the time, and never lose your control.

At nights i feel quite lonely... that's not normal for me, 'cos normally there's always someone to talk to and someone who cares. I know that my family here cares, but the communication is still really hard, and i really can't express myself the way i'd like to in spanish. And i can't share my fears with anyone. (i have to talk to Zirano who's a dog, because he couldn't understand me no matter what language i talk, so i speak finnish to him, and my family thinks that i'm crazy!)
And here i'm all the time little bit outsider, 'cos i'm not yet part of the social group here, and the other exchange students seem to have each other... (but i have my guitar, even tough i can't play that well, but maybe someday i will learn.)

I miss finnish candy and my own time there. Here i have to be all the time with someone, and i feel like i have to pretend. I don't even know this person who lives in my body. I'm not genuine anymore like i used to be... San Carlos has changed me, and i'm really cautious all the time. I can't relax. In Santiago i felt that i could be who i am.
But... even tough i know this year will be harder than i could ever imagine, i've experienced the most beautiful things here, and met amazing people, and i know that i will remember those good times(even tough they lasted only few days) forever.

Pelko on kamala tunne, kun sen joutuu kokemaan yksin. Kun ei ole ketään kenelle puhua, tai kenen kanssa jakaa asiansa. Olen todella kiitollinen ihanista vaihtarikavereista täällä, mutta tiedän heidän suosivan toistensa seuraa, sillä englanti ei ole minulle äidinkieli, joten minun on todella hankala olla hauska ja nokkela kielellä, joka ei ole minun. Ei sillä, teidän että kaikki tulee vielä olemaan hyvin jokupäivä, kun tilanne rauhouttuu, ja jälkijäristykset jäävät historiaan.
En vain tiedä miten kykenen oppimaan uutta ja miten jaksan heilua iltamyöhään joka helvetin päivä, kun kolmella kielellä ajatteleminen ja kahdella kielellä puhuminen kuluttaa vähätkin voimani loppuun, enkä öisin saa yksinäisyydeltäni ja peloltani unta.
Haluaisin kotiin, mutta minun kotini ei ole Suomessa, eikä sen koommin vielä täälläkään.