The biggest fish in the sea made it by never getting caught

When there's no faith left, the only thing that's left is words, and when theres no faith, you can't believe in words, and then we'll burn the words. The words that were never said, were never even thought, and i burn every bridge.

Then i disappear from this reality and travel across time and place, and i feel pathetic once again.

Well i didin't want to talk about it, so i thought it would be best expressed trough... interpretative dance.

Once again i find myself in that situation, that i have to start thinking about escaping. This time it only makes it harder, that i'm kinda emotionally involved. This was the last thing i wanted, last thing that i hoped, and i still don't believe that i was stupid enough to let it happen. Go me. But anyways, i know me well enough to know, that it would have been against my nature not to let it happen. I'm just somehow too dependent, but still too independent. I'm just confused now. And i don't want to go back, just because of the rumors that aren't true.

where is my love?

Four months have gone totally under the bridge. I feels like no time at all. So what it makes the next 7 months? Nothing!

I've lost my love for the numbers. I never lover maths, but i've been obsessed with numbers as long as i can remember. I've alway counted the days; how long there is 'till i have something/go somewhere or how long i've known someone, been in someplace etc. I just count things. I'm living my own final countdown.

But now the numbers scare the hell out of me. I don't want to leave, i don't even want to think that this is only a period in my life, though lately i've realized how i'm different form the others here. How i'm kinda just like burden. No-one wants to hang around with the stranger after the novelty is gone. Or then i just fucked my things up.

I know i have my true friends here, who never hang around me because i'm exchange student, but because they thought that i was "buena onda" like they say.

But now i need my old friend: MoccaMaster. WHERE ARE YOU, WHEN I NEED YOU? My MoccaMaster is the only thing that doesn't make me choose. If i choose tee before coffee, MoccaMaster doesn't get mad at me. MoccaMaster is the thing that makes me want to wake up in the morning, and the thing i come back home to. MoccaMaster doesn't get jealous, it doesn't want to talk about its feelings, or need much time from me. My MoccaMaster listens to me, when i need someone to talk to, though people find me kinda weird when i talk whit it, it doesn't matter.

And now it's far away.

Oh' MoccaMaster.

Hi, i'm Icarus i'm falling

I'm becoming quite good in fucking my things up.

Forcing myself into the corner and then get claustrophobic, start to do random stuff to get out of there, and normally i end up doing choices i shouldn't have done. Or doing something i shouldn't have done.

Maldito alcohol.

But the fact that i don't even realize why i have to make the choice, how i got into that situation that i'm in the between. For me the fact that those two even find me anything like attractive shows me a serious lack of judgement. I'm like that blind black man who leaves his wive after he founds out that he's black, because he can't live with a person who married a black person.

Yesterday went beautifully with coffee and today i realized how unbearable the lightness of being really is.

Paavo's choice

So now the day has come. I have to do choices, even though i just made it even harder to make one. I realized that what ever i do, i will get someone hurt. And i don't want to do that.

Well... i've been playing with the thought about being honest (at least once in my life) though, it might make things even harder, and make people hate me even more.

So i just decided to wait. At least until tomorrow. Tomorrow i'll decide.

Or not.

But it's hard when your thoughts change according to the wind. I know what i should do, i know what is the right thing to do, and the choice that wouldn't hurt so much, but i just don't want to do that choice.

So i just keep on doing stupid things and not seeing the consequences until someone beats the life out of me. Or until someone chooses for me, so i don't have to get my hands dirty. And the worst part is that i don't even see anything wrong in my actions. I can't see why people think that i'm the viper in this case.

So i just keep sipping my coffee and not bothering my little head too much with hard questions.

Bizarre Love Triangle

Ok, so i'm competing with that kinda ultimate love. That kind of love that people are dreaming of, my competitor is the white prince himself. (oh, it's hilarious! here it's prinicipe azul, not white!)

How could i ever win? Why did i even started to try? No my pride doesn't let me give up.

But hey... if the white prince ended up being just a freaky mental-case, maybe i still have a little chance.

No, but honestly; I've been torturing myself, not only comparing myself to the things that used to be, but also just playing with the idea about picking the apple. Later on i heard that i've been totally not just playing with the idea. But for my defense; it just comes naturally to me. Can a zebra get rid of its stripes? Of course not. Neither can i; i just don't know that i had them in the first place.

So... I'm still in between two fires, and they are starting to burn me.

And still i keep on refueling them, but i just need to know that at least someone cares enough to get even a little bit mad. And now i really need it, because i realized that i'm not even falling in love everyday for the first time. And i don't even mind nescafé anymore! There must be something really badly wrong in my head... or then i'm just adjusted. At least i drink coffee again, and don't sleep. Something old-me-things left.

freedom's on my list today.

ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ.

näin ilmaisen tunteeni tänään.

To Be Free

Olen kulkenut pää kumarassa viimepäivät. En surusta, en ikävästä, vaan häpeästä, tai pikemminkin myötähäpeästä.

Kylillä kulkee huhu minusta, joka sinänsä pitää paikkansa, mutta toisaalta ihmisillä ei ole mitään mitä tietää, saati mistä huhuta. Toisaalta omalla tavallani nautin epätietoisesti kehittämästäni draamasta. Pikkukylän elämä suorastaan kiehtoo minua. Ennen en tajunnut kuinka huhu todella kulkee kulovalkean tavalla, hetkessä huomaa kuinka ihmiset kuiskivat selän takana kun kulkee kaduilla. Tutut ihmiset alkavat kartaa seuraani ja pian huomaan olevani hylkiö.

Tai ehkä ei sittenkään.

Minua kyseinen huhu ei varsinaisesti haittaa, saati vahingoita. Olen vain kerrassaan huvittunut miten se saa ihmiset ympärilläni hämmentymään, loukkaantumaan, vihastumaan ja ihastumaan. Kieltämättä olen hyvin otettu kaikesta huomiosta, jota olen kerännyt, mutta silti toivon että pöly laskeutuisi pian ja voisin jälleen kulkea vapaana. Vaikka nyt näyttää siltä, että pöly ei ole vielä noussutkaan, ja pian saan nurkantakaa turpaan.

Mutta jos en saa kulkea tässä kylässä vapaana, niin ainakin Pintossa voin. Jopa tanssia jos siltä tuntuu.

Olen siis nyt vihdoin päässyt suuren ja tiiviin perheeni ytimeen kiinni. Kyse ei ole vain sukulaisista, eikä vain kavereista, kysymys on perheestä. Sellaisesta välittömästä huolenpidosta ja vilpittömästä lähimmäisen rakkaudesta.

Serkkujeni kanssa unohdan hetkeksi kaiken vakavan, kaiken sen, mitä täällä joudun miettimään, kunnes saan tekstiviestin, jossa yhdellä kysymyksellä painetaan koko tunnelma lattiaan.

Olen niin kovin tottunut tähän kuvioon, mutta ensimmäistä kertaa kuvioita on kaksi. Enkä minä osaa niin kerrassaan päättää, vaikka päätös on käytännössä jo tehty, eikä minulla ollut siihen tietoisesti osaa tai arpaa.