i'm trapped alone in my wonder wonder land

Kerrassaan hämmentävien unien ja ihmeellisten öiden värittämän viikonlopun ja muutosten täyteisen kahden viikon jälkeen.

Oh, the drama.

Sellaisina aamuina, jolloin tequila hakkaa yhä takaraivossa, eikä ole mitään muistikuvaa edellisestä yöstä, ja huomaatkin että et olekaan yksin, sellaisina aamuina ei oikeastaan tiedä mitä ajatella.

Sellaisina aamuina sade hakkaa ikkunoihin, sillä ilma tulee puhdistaa sellaisten öiden jälkeen. Mutta se ei tahdo puhdistua ei niin millään, vaikka unohdus olisikin syönyt kaikki muistikuvat, aina on joku joka muistaa, ja joku joka ei suostu unohtamaan. Sellaisen ihmisen vierestä herätessään ei osaa ajatella muuta kuin sellaisia ajatuksia, jotka vainoavat vielä seuraavanakin yönä, kunnes ne muuttuvat peloiksi. Sellaisiksi peloiksi, joita ei sanoiksi osaa pukea.

Sellainen tyttö on itsestään liian epävarma, ja pelkää liiaksi tunteitaan, ja sellainen tyttö ei suostu unohtamaan, tai lakkaa kyselemästä.

Sellaiset tilanteet ovat kerrassaan liiankin tuttuja, ei sellaenaan, vaan kokonaisuutena. Kun huomaat, että luot ympärillesi jälleen kerran kuviota jonka osaat parhaiten.

Join myös mustaa kaljaa serkkuni kanssa maalla, ja katselin hämärtyvää maaseutua. Myöhemmin kuu valaisi taivaan. Silloin näin palmun siluetin, ja se sai minut hymyilemään, vaikka tupakan savu leijuikin sisälle ja myöhemmin kirvelee silmissä.

Not So Soft

Now that i have the burden of anxiety off my shoulders, i'm free to get anxious from little things again. And it makes me who i am. I just can't live without my anxiety, or some people might call it caffein, but without it i'd be even more anxious.

Anyway, i adore my new family. I reckon that with this family i will have an amazing experience. But of course my life can't be perfect, i'm just bad at keeping things ideal; when i'm up there, i will fall hard, but not this time.

Sometimes i forget that i'm here, i forget my new life, and i forget the things that still hurt. And fuck it's hard to be an adult. Normally i would hit back and hard, if someone did something like this person did to me... but now i just pity him. If he's gonna live his poor life like that, it's his life, ya no mi problema. But he doesn't have the right to do those things, and that's why the little Peter Pan inside me is yelling that i should revenge, but i won't. And gosh it's hard not to!

But... i've found some amazing people who are on my side (even tough i don't want people to take sides in this, but i know it's hard not to) and that's why i feel sorry for the people who lives their life just trying to revenge, just living like people in this village live, because they're digging holes to themselves. They're gonna suffer from this more than i, and even tough it's not my fault, i feel bad. Didn't mean to hurt anyone, and their invention was to get me sent back to Finland, but didn't work, so IN YOUR FACE BITCH! t. Peter Pan.

¡El primero día de mi nueva vida!

It's amazing how only words can hurt. Even tough you know they are not true, even tough you know that it had to happen, and it just happened to happen now.

How could i have lived there the whole year? How could i have done things better, when i couldn't even be myself there? It's not fare that i have to be the one to take the whole blame, and i do blame me, i was too weak to handle the things, so i left. That's what i do: i run away from things. That's why i'm here, in Chile. I ran away, took some time off, until i realized that i'm still myself, and i will always be in good and in bad. I can't change that fact.

And o' how happy i was yesterday when i heard that i'm gonna be out from there, i finally let myslef eat, end i tought that i deserved it. Well i didn't. It all came up, like i excepted. When i'm stressed i shouldn't eat at all, i just can't keep it in.
And then i just was hurt so bad. I felt it in my whole body, words that were ment just to hurt me as much as possible, the only power that she had left. But i didn't say a word. I didin't speak my mind, i just let it happen and took those hits, i once was the adult in the situation. Wish her well, no bad feelings.

Now the only way is up. I think i'll start doing yoga or something like that to unload my frustration and to be a better person. This was totally my fault, and when i feel like that, i'm just gonna sing Mika, and feel all better again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpcgcbZDeyE

Now living at the country-side, keep my fingers crossed that i won't be send back to Finland.

Caffein, caffein, caffein.

Lately i have being feeling like i'm becoming to get in terms with myself. While i'm overcoming my problems outside, and observing people who have same problems (i didn't know that i had those problems, before i started obsessing over them) i've realized some scary and still comforting things inside my own little bubble.

I realized why do i do those things that i do, where my habits come from, and now i know where i'm coming from.(i'm quite sure that i come from spain, i've been listening to flamenco lately and felt the spanish blood running trough my veins)

And i realized that here i have to be selfish about my experience. I didn't here to be depressed, i didn't come here to feel unhappy and to get sick. Now it's my time to do something about it. I'm not going to keep on going like this. I don't want that spiral to begin again, it does no good to anyone. So, i'm just going to speak my mind, do what there's left to do and see where it will take me.

It's an adventure, and it's on.

I'm my own Indiana Jones and Han Solo put together!
(having a tee party with my stuffed animals, and finally having the twelve cups out of the coffee machine, that i normally in finland don't have!)

I've drank so many cups of coffee today, that i'm too full of energy to even feel anxious, even tough the climate is filled with agony, because i know that they know, and they know, and no-one's happy anymore.

And i found energy drinks here, and fuck i love that stuff. The rush and shaking hands and the energy i normally (without caffein) don't have!
So for a change a happy blog.

At least the end of it when the caffein kicked in.

Common reaction

it's impossible to run away from yourself. I realized that one day. I've travelled to the other side of the world, and still i'm the same person with all my fears, doubts, problems and flaws. It's harder than run away from god, even tough believers say that you can't run away from him, at least you can deny his existence, but it's little bit harder to deny your own existence when you have to live with yourself everyday. It makes your existence kinda undeniable (at least if you agree with Descartes: "i think therefore i am").

It scares the hell out of me when i realize that i can't run away from something that is built inside of me. It makes even worse when i stress (i'm really bad at stressing, i normally never stress, and now i can't handle it at all!) it triggers the old bad habits in me, and i thought that i got rid of them already.

Maybe people really never change.

Deep inside we still have all those same things we had before, and i (like the director of Monster) don't even believe that things that don't kill makes only stronger. They damage people, until they brake. No-one can take too many hits.

And the little things, they are the worse. In the end of the day, the only thing that is left is the little things. All the little words, things that other people don't even realize.

After a bad day, i might totally lose it when there's no clean cups and i'd have to wash a cup to have coffee (happened once here), or when there's no warm water anymore, or when someone says something totally meaningless to them, but what means the world to me, and i get offended. There are all little things, but when there's only bunch of little things they create the bigger picture, and i just can't handle it. And when the environment where the little things happen is not welcoming, place where i just want to disappear and stop being the burden. Quizás si pesaría menos no estuviera tan grande carga.