Work your way out

You have to start from the inside, and somehow work your way out, cos what there's left if we take off all the schemas and start from the very beginning, when there was no culture, or norms by which you have to act.

That's what i realized one day... You have to learn to look trough the norms and the schemas that you were used to before you can see the hart of every culture: human. That ugly creature that makes me hate myself, because obviously i'm human too. But if you can look trough it, or in my case over it, it'll get better.

And it's beautiful when you get the way how the people work, how they do the stuff that they do. Sometimes you might find the sweetest person if you are ready to look trough the ugliness that people create. You just have to make little effort and you can dig into the very soul of human mind, and sometimes it's scary and you rather not see it, but sometimes it really is worth it.
But always you just can't sacrifice everything you've already built. You may not know thi, but if you start going deeper, you first realize how ugly the person, you thought was beautiful, is, and then you start the way of knowing again. It's really the culture shock thing with people. I'm quite sure. (like i'm quite sure that pixies do exist and 8 is perfect number and possibly the meaning of life)

I kinda forgot my point, but the last thing i've been thinking, a lot, is that i'm really tired of being under the table. and I'm under the table because of many things. (I say i'm under the table, because closet is so boring) And i stopped believing in better world when Vatican said that every pedophile's homosexual. It's not an equivalent, i know, but people will take it as one, and that means, that they'll spit on gay people more. I really thought that modern world would except love as it is. But obviously that's not how the cookie grumbles. And that makes me angry and sad. That's why i'm acting like annoying gay-activist, but i feel like i can't pretend anymore. I feel like it's kinda my job to be the pioneer in this matter, because if every single gay person in the world would growl out under the table and be out and proud, homophobia would stop slowly existing, and world would be better place.
So all you homos there, work your way out of the closet, and sing Diana Ross with me! it's funny thing to be gay, there's nothing to be afraid of. Gay people are funny people. (ihan vain huomio, että minähän en ole lesbo, olen täysin hetero, joka vaan sattuu tykkäämään tytöistä, ja tästä blogista tuli aivan hirveä avautumis-blogi, mutta että on ottanu päähän viimepäivinä)

(and if this was a coming out for someone, i ask you not to change your mind about me, because the fact that i'm not totally "normal" or fit into peoples narrow-minded stereotypes, doesn't make me any less than i was before you knew. but i really doubt that ppl who doesn't really know me reads this, so...)

Bright and shiny vs. scary and damaged

"oh, and i'm feeling directionless, yes... But that's to be expected"

Kirjoitan tämän nyt ihan vittuillakseni suomeksi, koska tiedän, että jotkut kääntävät tätä google transaltorilla, ja saavat siitä kiksinsä. Miten vaan, pointti on kuitenkin hukassa, sillä suomen kieli on niin kaunis asia, että ei sitä pysty muille kielille kääntämään. HAH, sanon minä.

No, it feels weird to write this in finnish, i really don't even think in finnish anymore... it's always in english or spanish. When i think in finnish it feels kinda funny, like i have to think more when i speak in finnish. Even tough i'm not that good in english or in spanish. Maybe one day i'll be fluent in both of those languages.

I'm really starting to enjoy my life here, and today i decided to be bright and shiny, instead of being dark and twisted, scary and damaged or angry and hurt. But it turned out to be really hard, when i realized that i'm not learning spanish at all. I'm just repeating those same phrases again and again. I think i'll never learn to alter the verbs or so... And that made me feel stupid and useless and yeah. But when i read my earlier blogs, i realized that i seem pretty dark and twisted. Really i'm not. I'm bright and shiny person.
And now my hair isn't bright anymore, so it makes my being look even more dark. But i guess, at least i hope, that people really don't find me dark and twisted.

I also realized that i'm quite transparent sometimes. People can see trough me, and there's people who don't have clue who i am or how i live my life. Mutta täällä olen syvällä pöydän alla, vaikka haluaisin olla out and proud kuten suomessa. Olen samalla pöydänaluskommunisti, ja se jos mikä tukahduttaa olemukseni ja sitten kutistun ihmisenä, ja mitä vielä. Suomessa sentään pystyin julkisesti ilmaisemaan mielipiteeni kanssaihmisistä, ja ei sillä, olen kerännyt ympärilleni suvaitsevaisia ja avomielisiä ihmisiä, jotka rakastavat sateenkaarikansaa kanssani, vaikka eivät siihen sekalaiseen seurakuntaan itse kuulukaan.

Soon to 60, my favourite (and i think only) pub in this pequeño pueblo.