Starbucks, Skinny Vainilla Latte, Jonas Brothers, Jack Johnsson, Abrazos Rotos, Stick it, Red Car, Alarm clock that reminds r2-d2 on acid, mamá, La Crodillera, Gaspacho, graveyard, Stalin-statue, The little cafetería that reminds me of Bisketti, Dous, Real Coffee, the woman who still lives with her mamá and leaner to pronounce my name, book shops, Che Guevara (for dummies), Parking Tickets, Karaoke-bar, La U, Las Condes, mini marshmallows that we never found, bad wine en cajas, Yupanki, Penis, Hippie-Cristina, Lemon pie, Frenchy, Ellie, Jesse-James(who almost died), Harry Potter, Nutella, The germanguy who left, swearing in german, theatre that didn't have tickets to the show left,Violetta Parra, Salvador Allende, ceniceros, smoking too much, dinking too fast, waking up too late, freedom, beer, keys...Everything. I miss it so much, though i have been without it no more than two days. I miss the freedom, i miss my vacation from my experience. I'm tired of proofing myself to other people. But guess that that's what this experience is about... about showing that you are better person that you really are.
Anyways; 5 days in heaven is better than 4 days in heaven. I just didn't know that i'd miss it so much this time also. It's like never ending down roll spiral once again. i know i'll be fine again in couple of days, but now i'm just going to feel shit and eat ice cream.
In Santiago i didn't think about coming back, i somehow erased the fact from my memory that time goes by, and there will be a point when i have to go back where i belong, even though i wouldn't feel like i belong. And it came, too soon, too fast, too unexpectedly.
And swolloing blood and tears i finally arrived to San Carlos. (the blood was from my tongue. I bit it in hopes of dying by bleeding to death, but it didn't work) Put a beautiful smile on my face, played with my little sister, cleaned up the table, acted like the perfect daughter, and even after all this i was sure that they're gonna trow me out of the house. I felt the mean looks on my back, even though there was no-one. I felt the anxiety, the agony; "fuck... the exchange student is back"
Maybe it's not true, maybe i'm just paranoid once again, but still... the sun doesn't seem to rise, so i'm not going to leave the bed. Too lazy to mind the smell of vomit on my pillow, to wash my hear and look bearable enough to go downstairs and have lunch. Feeling too lonely to step outside and have a walk. Too afraid to see people staring at me. why do they do that? why can't they leave me alone?
Then i go to see the puppies, pat them, give them names: Mio-Paulus, Nino-Vilen, Solis Ortos and Eufrosyne, and i calm down. I feel really... light. Don't feel anything at all. There's no world outside. There's no meaning. We just are. Here we are. My family and me watching television. Don't even speak, just are...
Even though i miss being in the red car and listening to Backstreet Boys, getting lost in a graveyard, watching stupid movies and smoking inside the house, having real coffee and going to starbucks, i know that it wouldn't mean so much to me if it was everyday life. At least now i can have 5 days in heaven, and the rest in San Carlos. If i'd live in Santiago it would be only San Carlos till the end. And i'm still here... i've been here 153 days, and 143 of them in San Carlos, and i'm still here.
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