Nice she ain't

I solved all my problems. I have to buy a coffee maker. All the anxiety, depression, mood swings... they all add up to the fact that i don't have real coffee. Never knew that i'd be so addicted. But today i realized how easily addicted person i am deep down.

Today was worse than yesterday or the day before. I felt alone, i felt left alone, and in the end i was left alone. I sat at home, in the dark, waiting for my family to come back. They were supposed to come at 8 p.m. Still at 11 p.m waiting, sitting there... no-one. No call, no nothing. Then they finally came, and it's already too late; the train already left, i already missed it. Another day alone. Another day that never existed, amici diem perdidi again.

Ok, not totally alone. I went to see Daniela for a change. And she made me feel like i was part of the real world once again. I forgot that i was in San Carlos, forgot that i was somewhere where they don't even sell coffee makers. I brought her the miracle medicine and we drank coffee and smoked and talked about nothing. I shared my conspiracy theories with her, and we talked about the crime rates in Santiago and what not...

I also met my ex-mum's friend on the way to Daniela's. I was surprised that she even spoked to me. I was surprised that she didn't spit on me But she asked me how i was, how's everything and in total honesty she behaved like she had no idea about the fact that i changed my family. Or maybe she just doesn't believe that it was my fault, but anyway she reminded me how there's still good people left when the world seems to be filled with only evil.

I also had a reunion with my old friend. Don't know how to feel about it. Kinda confused, kinda scared, kinda more aware know about the things, and i'm telling you; my old friend ain't nice.

The Kingdom of Heaven

Starbucks, Skinny Vainilla Latte, Jonas Brothers, Jack Johnsson, Abrazos Rotos, Stick it, Red Car, Alarm clock that reminds r2-d2 on acid, mamá, La Crodillera, Gaspacho, graveyard, Stalin-statue, The little cafetería that reminds me of Bisketti, Dous, Real Coffee, the woman who still lives with her mamá and leaner to pronounce my name, book shops, Che Guevara (for dummies), Parking Tickets, Karaoke-bar, La U, Las Condes, mini marshmallows that we never found, bad wine en cajas, Yupanki, Penis, Hippie-Cristina, Lemon pie, Frenchy, Ellie, Jesse-James(who almost died), Harry Potter, Nutella, The germanguy who left, swearing in german, theatre that didn't have tickets to the show left,Violetta Parra, Salvador Allende, ceniceros, smoking too much, dinking too fast, waking up too late, freedom, beer, keys...Everything. I miss it so much, though i have been without it no more than two days. I miss the freedom, i miss my vacation from my experience. I'm tired of proofing myself to other people. But guess that that's what this experience is about... about showing that you are better person that you really are.

Anyways; 5 days in heaven is better than 4 days in heaven. I just didn't know that i'd miss it so much this time also. It's like never ending down roll spiral once again. i know i'll be fine again in couple of days, but now i'm just going to feel shit and eat ice cream.

In Santiago i didn't think about coming back, i somehow erased the fact from my memory that time goes by, and there will be a point when i have to go back where i belong, even though i wouldn't feel like i belong. And it came, too soon, too fast, too unexpectedly.

And swolloing blood and tears i finally arrived to San Carlos. (the blood was from my tongue. I bit it in hopes of dying by bleeding to death, but it didn't work) Put a beautiful smile on my face, played with my little sister, cleaned up the table, acted like the perfect daughter, and even after all this i was sure that they're gonna trow me out of the house. I felt the mean looks on my back, even though there was no-one. I felt the anxiety, the agony; "fuck... the exchange student is back"

Maybe it's not true, maybe i'm just paranoid once again, but still... the sun doesn't seem to rise, so i'm not going to leave the bed. Too lazy to mind the smell of vomit on my pillow, to wash my hear and look bearable enough to go downstairs and have lunch. Feeling too lonely to step outside and have a walk. Too afraid to see people staring at me. why do they do that? why can't they leave me alone?

Then i go to see the puppies, pat them, give them names: Mio-Paulus, Nino-Vilen, Solis Ortos and Eufrosyne, and i calm down. I feel really... light. Don't feel anything at all. There's no world outside. There's no meaning. We just are. Here we are. My family and me watching television. Don't even speak, just are...

Even though i miss being in the red car and listening to Backstreet Boys, getting lost in a graveyard, watching stupid movies and smoking inside the house, having real coffee and going to starbucks, i know that it wouldn't mean so much to me if it was everyday life. At least now i can have 5 days in heaven, and the rest in San Carlos. If i'd live in Santiago it would be only San Carlos till the end. And i'm still here... i've been here 153 days, and 143 of them in San Carlos, and i'm still here.

Sailor songs.

Kirjoitin pitkän tarinan elämästäni täällä päiväntasaajan tälläpulen, mutta bloggeri ystävällisesti ei antanut minun julkaista sitä. Maldito blogger.

Joka tapauksessa olen viimeiset kaksi päivää kulkenut Chilen rannikolla aurinkoa etsien. Toki talvella aurinkokaan ei sen kummemmin lämmitä, ei varsinkaan täällä Chilessä, jossa joka helvetin paikka on niin kovin kylmä. Todennäköisesti pihalla on lämpimämpi kuin talossa, sillä käsitys "keskuslämmitys" on täysin tuntematon täällä koko maailman reunalla.

Suunnattoman Tyynenvaltameren läheisyys saa minut kummasti kunnioittamaan merta. Silti sydämeni kaipaa merille, tuonne keskelle ei yhtään mitään ja silti kaiken keskelle. (Viimeiset kaksi päivää olenkin kuunnellut Regina Spektorin Sailor Song:ia, ja piirrellyt ankkureita käsiini)

Olen siis virallisesti talvilomilla, vaikka omaa vapaata otinkin jo ennen lomien alkua. Suunnitelmissa on tutkia Chilen rannikko aina San Carlosista pohjoiseen, aina Isla Negraan asti, ja sitten siitä siirtyä Santiagoon, ja siellä vietellä vajaat viikko vanhan Santiago-possen kanssa, juoden Starbucksin kahvia, ja polttaen tupakkaa katolla. Me parece.

Ainut haittapuoli on se, että viikko Santiagossa meinaa juhlatonta viikkoa santiagossa ja juhlimiseen taipuva sieluni ehkä ei kestä tuota kaikkea raittiutta, kun San Carlosiin jäänyt lover soittelee perään hiprakassa. How cute is that?

Viimeviikolla kävin katsomassa Twilightin kuumeessa, espanjaksi ja huomenna nenä kohti Isla Negraa; Pablo Neruda's home, here i come!

Dōnec eris fēlīx, multōs numerābis amīcos; tempora si fuerint nūbila, sōlus eris

Amici, diem perdidi.

I've realized that if you can't help yourself it's pointless to demand help from others. After all this life is only ours, we can make what ever we want out of it, if we just believe in ourselves. Why do people expect other people to take their burden off their shoulders, they can anyway carry it only so far. I personally tend to do that, but i know that the burden i'm sharing will soon be lying on the streets so that everyone can kick it and spit on it. And to be honest; i don't give a shit.

Maybe i'm sometimes too careless about my things, maybe i count too much on my luck, or on the fact that things will be sorted out by themselves. Like we say in Oulu "kyllä se siitä lutviutuupi"

I just believe in life. I honestly don't believe that anyone who believes in life can be badly disappointed to the things that happened, or will happen.

Anyway it sometimes surprises me. I just play with the idea, and then it becomes true. I hope, or not even hope, just make jokes about things, and then they happen. It's unbelievable how things just tend to go my way in the end. Though first i normally get really desperate, depressed, i suffer, and then things start to go my way. Or maybe they don't go my way, i just think that they go...

Now i seem like the happiest person in the world, whose luck is something out of this world, but no... i just believe in life. I think that nothing can be that bad. I just don't believe in bad things. Or, yes... i do believe in bad things, i just get over them easily, i don't get stuck on my past, and that's how i've learned to live my life.

And yes, i do also believe in six impossible things before breakfast.