Work your way out

You have to start from the inside, and somehow work your way out, cos what there's left if we take off all the schemas and start from the very beginning, when there was no culture, or norms by which you have to act.

That's what i realized one day... You have to learn to look trough the norms and the schemas that you were used to before you can see the hart of every culture: human. That ugly creature that makes me hate myself, because obviously i'm human too. But if you can look trough it, or in my case over it, it'll get better.

And it's beautiful when you get the way how the people work, how they do the stuff that they do. Sometimes you might find the sweetest person if you are ready to look trough the ugliness that people create. You just have to make little effort and you can dig into the very soul of human mind, and sometimes it's scary and you rather not see it, but sometimes it really is worth it.
But always you just can't sacrifice everything you've already built. You may not know thi, but if you start going deeper, you first realize how ugly the person, you thought was beautiful, is, and then you start the way of knowing again. It's really the culture shock thing with people. I'm quite sure. (like i'm quite sure that pixies do exist and 8 is perfect number and possibly the meaning of life)

I kinda forgot my point, but the last thing i've been thinking, a lot, is that i'm really tired of being under the table. and I'm under the table because of many things. (I say i'm under the table, because closet is so boring) And i stopped believing in better world when Vatican said that every pedophile's homosexual. It's not an equivalent, i know, but people will take it as one, and that means, that they'll spit on gay people more. I really thought that modern world would except love as it is. But obviously that's not how the cookie grumbles. And that makes me angry and sad. That's why i'm acting like annoying gay-activist, but i feel like i can't pretend anymore. I feel like it's kinda my job to be the pioneer in this matter, because if every single gay person in the world would growl out under the table and be out and proud, homophobia would stop slowly existing, and world would be better place.
So all you homos there, work your way out of the closet, and sing Diana Ross with me! it's funny thing to be gay, there's nothing to be afraid of. Gay people are funny people. (ihan vain huomio, että minähän en ole lesbo, olen täysin hetero, joka vaan sattuu tykkäämään tytöistä, ja tästä blogista tuli aivan hirveä avautumis-blogi, mutta että on ottanu päähän viimepäivinä)

(and if this was a coming out for someone, i ask you not to change your mind about me, because the fact that i'm not totally "normal" or fit into peoples narrow-minded stereotypes, doesn't make me any less than i was before you knew. but i really doubt that ppl who doesn't really know me reads this, so...)

El sol rojo

Tänään aurinko oli punainen. Niinkuin elokuvissa, ja valo teki kaikesta vanhaa, kuten sellaisissa kuvissa, jotka ovat ajan myötä kellastuneet. Tänään taivaalta satoi tuhkaa, kuin lunta, joka teki maan harmaaksi.
Ilma oli niin raskasta hengittää, että kaikki piti tehdä puolella teholla, jopa ajatella. Ei saanut ajatella kokonaan, ei puhua kovalla äänellä tai hengittää syvään, sillä taivas näytti pilviseltä, vaikka se oli vain savusta harmaa, ja silti punainen aurinko paistoi läpi tehden kaikesta hieman keltaista.
Enkä minä valehtele, vaan tämä päivä oli tuhkan harmaa, ja samalla keltainen, ja keltainen on hulluuden väri. Levoton ja pelottava. Ja aurinko, se oli punainen.

The Weakness In Me

There are things that i don't say out loud. Or if i say them, i don't take them seriously, because as long as i can make jokes about it, it won't be real, it won't hurt me.

I feel weak. I feel weak because i speak. I speak a lot, even tough i still keep a lot inside. But the things that i speak about, they make me weak, they make people think that i'm weak. And maybe i am, because there's stronger people around me who don't complain, who take things as they are.
But i just can't do that. I have to speak my mind, because if i don't i will stop existing. I will slowly die down. But still... still there's things i cant explain. Things that makes my heart beat a little bit faster and things that gives me the chills every time i think about them. And those are things that i cannot explain, things that are not mine to explain. They are something bigger, something beautiful and scary at the same time. And those things... they don't belong here. They don't belong in San Carlos. But it's better this way. I can take little bit distance to those things and observe them from the distance and maybe someday i will know.

But for now it's hard for me. I'm not sad, i'm not blue or tired. I'm just feeling weak. And i know that it will be hard before it get's easier.

Today i had once with Ellie's family, and oh' how i love her mum! She's the sweetest woman. If it's true that chilean people show their affection trough food, i'm quite sure that she loves me, because every time i'm there, she brings me fruits and offers coffee, even tough it's nescafe, i don't care, because i love her. If she makes it, it's real coffee.
Every time that someone brings me coffee before i even thought to ask it, it reminds me about the morning when we were leaving Santiago, and we were sitting in front of the AFS-office and Cristina brought me real coffee. It made that miserable morning seem little bit more humane. Ok, to be honest no-one brings me coffee here, so Cristina was the only one who ever brought me coffee, but anyway, i want to think that someone would someday bring me surprise-coffee once again.

Luulen, että aiheessa pysyminen on minulle täysin tuntematon asia. Se on ihmeellistä minne ajatukseni lentää, mutta jonain päivänä minä vielä vien tuon ihanan naisen vihille, ja me elämme elämämme loppuun asti. Ehkä pidämmekin yhteishäät fransmannin kanssa, sillä hän omistaa lohikäärmeitä, ja hänellä on sairas huumorintaju. Hän myös tietää Niilan, joka on minun mielestä aika hauskaa.

Panem et circenses

I'm really going to join a circus one day.

It would be just perfect for my restless feet! The life without home, without certainty about what tomorrow will bring. And of course in my circus there would be no safety net. There would always be the possibility of death, the tension, the fear. And that would be just perfect.
If you want to join me, come and you will be free from the everyday, because life in my circus would be adventure everyday!


So I went to see circus. And now i just feel restless, and i want to live the gipsy-lifestyle with no certainty about anything. There were clowns, little children doing some kind of bad tricks with different equipment and jugglers. I love jugglers.
But in the circus, there was no blue boys from Nepal, or mermaid-woman who had no bones. No fully tattooed woman who would have died, no giants, no midgets (except me), no siamese twins, nothing! Where are the freaks?

But I really didn't mind, because the only reason to go to circo was to get my mind of things.
Didn't help.
I still kept thinking and thinking and thinking and never came to any conclusion. And the thinking makes my head only ache.
In my circus I would never have headache. And there would be no troubles that would make me loose my good night sleep.
I just hate people and how they are so hard to guess.
People should just say what they want to say, no matter the consequences, and I don't mean bad things and bullshit, but things that would change something. Things that... well i'm being hypocrite here, because I'm really bad at saying anything, or if I say it, I'll do it imperceptibly, so if you want to understand me, you have to notice the most obscure hints.

But now I'm just rambling, so... I just wanted everyone to know that I just love circus.

El País De Nunca Jamás.

I'm really not interested doing anything. I'm just totally numb and the only color i can see is blue.
But then i remember Neverneverland. (it's not Neverland, because its Neverneverland)

I could travel trough fire and ice, swim across the seven seas and find the second star from right just to go to Neverneverland. In that magical secret place in middle of San Carlos, there's adorable Mary Poppins and coffee and ice-cream and beer and those magic cigarettes that turn into mentol if i want them to.
In Neverneverland life is peaceful and there's no language barrier and people are the same. There's no wrong or right in Neverneverland, everythings in balance and everyone's happy.
In Neverneverland everything's just perfect, because Neverneverland is as pure as child's mind and the there's pixies that were born when the first baby laughed for the first time. But the pixies are obviously invisible, and we may not be sure if they exist, but i'm quite sure that they exist, because in the end it's Neverneverland,

But then i come back to home, and just stop existing. I shrink in side of my body and suddenly i'm just not there anymore, only my body's there doing the things i'm supposed to do. The real me is somewhere far far away. Or at least that's how i feel every day.
And it's really getting better. I learned how to ignore the yelling and the bad vibes. Only thing i can't overcome is that they comment my weight and what i eat. I can stand almost everything else, but it's hard for me even eat with people i don't know, never less take the comments about what i eat. And really i don't even feel like eating because of that (and also cos of that i already lost the weight that i gained, but that can be totally because of my sober period)

Sometimes i'm more than happy because of el terremoto (except the obvious misery) because without it my whole life would be different, the whole experience would be... i don't know, i don't believe it would be better, 'cos now i have people i can talk to, people that i trust, and people that i know wouldn't hurt me and i hope that they are also people who care, cos i do. Even tough i knew some of them only for week, and otherones became part of my daily life, and i'm more than proud to say that they are my family here. With them i'm always in el País De Nunca Jamás.
(i'll run away with the circus and the next stop will be Narnia! Aslan here i come!)