The Weakness In Me

There are things that i don't say out loud. Or if i say them, i don't take them seriously, because as long as i can make jokes about it, it won't be real, it won't hurt me.

I feel weak. I feel weak because i speak. I speak a lot, even tough i still keep a lot inside. But the things that i speak about, they make me weak, they make people think that i'm weak. And maybe i am, because there's stronger people around me who don't complain, who take things as they are.
But i just can't do that. I have to speak my mind, because if i don't i will stop existing. I will slowly die down. But still... still there's things i cant explain. Things that makes my heart beat a little bit faster and things that gives me the chills every time i think about them. And those are things that i cannot explain, things that are not mine to explain. They are something bigger, something beautiful and scary at the same time. And those things... they don't belong here. They don't belong in San Carlos. But it's better this way. I can take little bit distance to those things and observe them from the distance and maybe someday i will know.

But for now it's hard for me. I'm not sad, i'm not blue or tired. I'm just feeling weak. And i know that it will be hard before it get's easier.

Today i had once with Ellie's family, and oh' how i love her mum! She's the sweetest woman. If it's true that chilean people show their affection trough food, i'm quite sure that she loves me, because every time i'm there, she brings me fruits and offers coffee, even tough it's nescafe, i don't care, because i love her. If she makes it, it's real coffee.
Every time that someone brings me coffee before i even thought to ask it, it reminds me about the morning when we were leaving Santiago, and we were sitting in front of the AFS-office and Cristina brought me real coffee. It made that miserable morning seem little bit more humane. Ok, to be honest no-one brings me coffee here, so Cristina was the only one who ever brought me coffee, but anyway, i want to think that someone would someday bring me surprise-coffee once again.

Luulen, että aiheessa pysyminen on minulle täysin tuntematon asia. Se on ihmeellistä minne ajatukseni lentää, mutta jonain päivänä minä vielä vien tuon ihanan naisen vihille, ja me elämme elämämme loppuun asti. Ehkä pidämmekin yhteishäät fransmannin kanssa, sillä hän omistaa lohikäärmeitä, ja hänellä on sairas huumorintaju. Hän myös tietää Niilan, joka on minun mielestä aika hauskaa.